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5 things to…stop people pleasing

Stop people pleasing getting in the way of your dreams

5 Things Guest Submission by Joy Jewell @self.hood

A note from Anna: As someone who has struggled under the immense and relentless pressure of pleasing others, I am incredibly passionate about encouraging people to address this as a gift for themselves. Joy brings us some salient tips so that we can find our voice and claim our space as someone equally deserving of having our needs and feelings validated!

For generations women have been raised to give it all up for their family, to be the supportive wife and mother who puts everyone else first, saying yes to everything in a desperate plight to keep them happy. We’ve been moulded into people pleasers, dropping everything to support not just our family, but anyone around us.

Being a people pleaser is a tough gig because it’s a life of sacrifice. You can’t spend your days fulfilling the wishes and desires of others without giving up your own. In order to give someone time and energy you have to take them out of your own resources; once they are handed over they can’t be taken back.

As a result, you feel unfulfilled. You are so busy looking after everyone else’s wellbeing and supporting your loved ones in pursuing their dreams, you let your own dreams become dormant.

You tell yourself  ‘one day’.

When the kids start school or leave home, or your partner gets that promotion, or you retire… one day gets pushed back again and again.

People pleasing is a huge obstacle to personal fulfillment because it gets in the way of doing things for yourself – whether it’s spending some time alone to relax, or pursuing much bigger life goals.

Something has to give. It’s time to stop filling everyone else’s cup and start pouring into your own. Here’s how to start breaking free from people pleasing so that you can stop minimising yourself and live the life you deserve.

    1. Learn How to Say No
      Saying no lowers stress levels and frees up time, but the mere thought of it can create anxiety. Saying no does not equate to being unlikeable. It’s ok to turn things down. It doesn’t make you a bad person.If a straight ‘no’ feels uncomfortable, try these:Delay: On the verge of a panicked yes? Buy time with ‘I’ll have to get back to you’. This lets you come back with a considered ‘no’ when you’re less pressured.Gratitude: If you can’t yet separate saying no with being rude, start with gratitude. ‘Oh thank you for thinking of me, I’m afraid I’ll have to decline this time’ is to the point and kind.

      Alternative: It is possible to say no and still be helpful. Simply provide an alternative. Refer them to someone else, suggest another time in the future, or offer more hands off support.

    1. Turn ‘Should’ into ‘Could’
      We have a habit of filling our world with ‘shoulds’. ‘I should take the kids to the park, I should drink more water, I should do more exercise, I should be more productive’.Should is loaded with pressure. It’s demanding, overbearing… a burden. The ‘shoulds’ are always in the background convincing you that you aren’t doing enough. It’s exhausting.What if we replace ‘should’ with ‘could’? Suddenly, the pressure is lifted. We no longer feel like we are behind, frantically trying to catch up. ‘Could’ turns ‘should’ into an opportunity, not a demand. Where ‘should’ is asking for an end goal, ‘could’ gives you options.For a people pleaser, who often feels burdened by the things they think they have to do, this is an important and liberating shift. It allows you to pick and choose between the tasks that serve you, and those that don’t.
    1. Budget your Time and Pay Yourself First
      Picture each hour of the day as a coin. You start out with 24, just like everyone else. Several coins are spent straight away on sleep, then there are the non-negotiables like eating, cooking and basic hygiene. It’s up to you where to spend what’s left, but a people pleaser will give away their coins without hesitation, to anyone who asks for it. At the end of the day, there’s nothing left in the pot for you and you may feel taken advantage of.Time is a precious non-renewable resource, and life is short. We never know when our time is going to run out. Just like you would budget 24 coins, thinking carefully about how to spend them, get into the habit of budgeting your time too, always earmarking some for yourself every day. Pay yourself first, make it a daily priority.
    1. The 3 Ds
      People pleasers often think they need to do more, or do better. You take on all the responsibility for tasks, forcing a smile as you do so, but you are left feeling like you are drowning in your to-do list and don’t know how to come up for air.Feeling like you can’t cope is promptly followed by feelings of failure. Here’s the thing: you are allowed to ask for help, you are allowed to let things go, you are allowed to save things for another day. It doesn’t mean failing.Next time overwhelm creeps in remember the 3 Ds: delegate, delete, delay. Get all the tasks that you feel swamped by into a list and decide which can be delegated to someone else, deleted completely, or delayed to another time. Not only does this help beat overwhelm, it creates time for things which truly serve you.
    1. Celebrate your Own Achievements, Daily
      Do you need validation in order to feel good about yourself? Years of putting all your focus on other people can leave you unsure of yourself, so you look for approval from those around you.It is possible to appreciate your worth without looking to other people to reinforce it.Start celebrating your wins, especially the small ones. Going for a walk when the sofa was more inviting, making time to meditate, reading a chapter of your book, saying no instead of a knee-jerk yes… celebrating these daily achievements will help you raise your self esteem by getting you into the habit of thinking about yourself in a more positive way.

By following these five tips, you can break out of the people pleaser trap and start shining a light on the hopes and ambitions you have for your own life, gloriously guilt free.

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