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“I don’t want a boy” – The secret shame of gender preference

(Those who follow my work will know I had a girl in my third pregnancy. This article was written prior to the pregnancy, updated for use in an alternative context and then placed on my blog. Gender disappointment can prompt feelings of guilt and shame, and these feelings are valid and deserve exploration regardless of how long they are experienced for. The fact I now have a daughter may discredit my experience for some, but my hope is that it will increase understanding a feelings of self-compassion for those who find it helpful. To , here is a good article I found from the Antenatal and Postnatal Psychology Network in Australia)

I met a girl in the park on a lunch-break walk one day during my first pregnancy. I was feeling the wrath of the hormones and was wrapped up in a straining coat. She was pushing a double buggy, looking a bit knackered around the edges. She made some friendly small talk. ‘When are you due? Is it your first? Are you hoping for a boy or a girl?’

‘I don’t want a boy’. My mood stripped me of the ability to spit out a more socially acceptable response. Her eyes widened and I held my breath in shock of what I’d just said. We chatted awkwardly and then parted ways. How dare I want a girl, when so many people don’t even get a baby at all?

Whether you were or are hoping for a certain gender like me, or didn’t mind at all, gender disappointment is common. A quick Internet search reveals anonymous forum threads on the ‘secret shame’ of gender preference, and even sonographers and midwives will admit they’ve seen tears shed over gender reveals.

I’m so aware of the devastating stories of friends who have lost babies. So, of course, a healthy baby is what we yearn for above all else, right? However, this often means that any hint of gender preference get cast as ‘selfish and shameful’. It’s good to seek perspective, but it’s not good to silence feelings with comparison because then they will never be understood. It’s far more useful to explore where feelings of gender disappointment are rooted, as they are attached to real stories and explanations.

As a Psychotherapist with a passion for tacking taboo topics around motherhood, I made it a mission to get to the bottom of this shameful gender preference I felt. I wanted to understand why I had this aching desire for a girl. If I’m honest, many of my close male family relationships have been somewhat dysfunctional. I think I had a deep-seated fear that if I were to have a son, there would be a painful disconnection and that when he grew old enough, he would reject me too. In addition, my relationship with my mum has been one of the most positive ones in my life. So, I feared that I would fail to relate to a boy in the way that I would a girl.

I realised that in my mind, I had assumed that a daughter would enjoy the same things I did. But when glancing back at my childhood, I recall how my sister played ‘army’ with my brother in the woods, dressed in my Uncle’s old military camouflage, Meanwhile I played with dolls and covered the carpet with glitter glue in the company of Mum. Perhaps my heart yearned for a mini-me, but no girl would replicate the relationship I had with my mum.

Weeks later I went for my scan to be told that we were having a boy! We watched his little thumb sucking, alien like form. My heart sunk into my flip-flops with a huge, guilty kerplunk. I stuck on a smile, you know the one where your eyes don’t quite get the memo? I wanted to prove to the sonographer and my husband that I was a good, happy Mum. Slowly, my disappointment ebbed away and I began to daydream again, with a cheeky boy in place of the girl I’d longed for. By the time I swept Oscar out of the birthing pool, the sense of disappointment felt nothing but a shameful memory, replaced by adoration.

The second time around, crippling morning sickness led everyone to proclaim ‘it must be a girl this time’. However, back in the sonographer’s room covered in cold jelly, she pointed out the very clear boy parts. We laughed so much in shock that she struggled to continue her checks. I grinned at the joy of another healthy baby, but on arriving at a friend’s house, she gave me a huge hug and my eyes welled up. I flicked the tears away and stole a look in the mirror to ensure no mascara trail would give away that flash of grief. I may never have a daughter.

So now I have my two boys and my house is littered with miniature drills and footballs. I thought I knew what I wanted, but I got what I needed. These budding relationships have been healing in ways they will never understand

If you have a gender preference, consider the assumptions or fears that you might be harbouring as it helps so much to acknowledge them. Sometimes it’s necessary to have a grieving process for what may not be. This is okay and it is healthy! We can live out a life in our mind, projecting ourselves ahead to certain scenarios, painting an elaborate picture coloured with a desire to relive a past we loved, or a wish to do something differently to our own childhood experience.

Often, gender disappointment fades away quickly, at first sight of your wrinkled tot, or maybe as bonding deepens. But if there are continuing feelings that would benefit from some further thinking, then do so in therapy or with someone supportive. It might just be that you need to do a little more gentle exploration of the root cause of these feelings (like I did) in order to break free from that unnecessary feeling of shame or guilt.

Before I finish, I want to highlight in neon orange streaks the fact that it’s normal to have a gender preference. It’s the silence and the taboo that balloon it into a guilty secret. We all have our stories, histories and reasons, and some of them just take a little more making sense of than others. You’re not bad or mad you’re normal

3 Comments

  1. Rebecca
    June 6, 2019 / 6:38 pm

    Thank you so much for writing this. I have followed you for a while and when you shared you were pregnant after having two boys I was eager to find out what sex you were having and I’m so happy for you. I have 2 boys and each time I have struggled so much with gender disappointment. With my second I contemplated throwing myself down the stairs so many times. I love my boys unconditionally but I still have such a void. I hate myself for feeling this way. I have had to delete people on Instagram with 2 girls (this is what I wanted, maybe because I’m one of 2 girls) my youngest is 16 months and I still have trouble processing I am a boy mum. I feel my family is not complete as does my husband but for me I think it’s because I don’t have a girl. After
    reading your blog it has made me think maybe there is a underlying reason I feel like this and it might not be my fault.
    I know you aren’t supporting people with counselling at the moment but can you recommend anyone that is that would understand my situation. I feel not everybody would xx

    • Anna Mathur
      Author
      June 11, 2019 / 4:39 pm

      Dear Rebecca,

      Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. I am so glad you found the post helpful, and so sorry that you have struggled so silently. There is a grief that you will be experiencing and very likely that there is an underlying reason to explore. I can’t recommend anyone specifically but highly regard ‘The Counselling Directory’ as a means for searching for a therapist who might be a good fit for you xx

  2. Cait F
    December 14, 2021 / 7:38 pm

    Thank you for sharing this. I have a lot of emotions after finding out I’m having a boy. My husband and I were so convinced it was going to be a girl. My mother in law saw a medium who said we have a girl. My mother in law and sister in law are hoping for a girl because my sister in law has two boys and not only do I feel sadness around not having a girl but I am worried about the disappointment from them when I announce it’s a boy. I feel deep shame knowing people try everyday and go through so much pain and grief just to have one healthy baby, of any gender. I know I’ll love this baby with my whole heart, though a part of me is scared I won’t because I got stuck on the idea we’d be welcoming a girl.

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