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Question the 'Should'

I bet you slip the word ‘should’ into your vocabulary all the time. ‘I really should…’ or ‘I shouldn’t..’
Every time we do this, we are are trying to keep ourselves in check, telling ourselves we ‘should’ feel guilty if we don’t do what we feel we ‘should’ do. It’s an opportunity to conform to norms that are decided by ourselves, other people or society. It’s not always a bad thing, but it’s something that I always question with clients.

“I shouldn’t be upset about this”. Well, why not?? Who’s telling you that you ‘shouldn’t or who are you using as a comparison in order to invalidate your feelings and needs into something to be dismissed?

When we use the word ‘should’ or ‘shouldn’t’ we are often reinforcing the negative or the fact that we are doing something out of duty or in denial of our feelings. I’m not saying you ‘shouldn’t do all the things you feel that you ‘should’ do. I’m saying that language has a huge affect, and it’s sometimes worth thinking about where we have got the beliefs that we ‘should’ do certain things or feel certain ways. It’s about reclaiming back some power, some choice and some responsibility.

Maybe change it for ‘could’?

Some food for thought! xxx

Don’t Be Fooled

It’s in our nature to present the best bits of our homes, faces; relationships, lives, children. I mean, why wouldn’t we! We KNOW that they are the best bits, we know that there are messy piles out of shot, that the momentary smile has been the only one in the day amidst the grumpy whining, or that the gorgeous meal at the fancy restaurant on holiday we shot, didn’t actuallllly taste that fab.So WHY then do we choose to buy into other’s representation of the better parts of their lives, their best angles, their tidy corners? No, we make a vast and dangerous assumption this is their normality throughout, and we end up self-critical and dis-enchanted.

Even the great parts of our lives fall under this shadow, thus we lose gratitude and enjoyment.

We know the truth of our own circumstances. We know our lives aren’t full of happy faces and ever-clean worktops. So, let’s continue to share the nice photos, but also write and share the rawer side of the truth too. But, lets choose to stop believing the total crap that the snapshots we see of other people’s lives, are the full picture.

Here’s my kitchen right now after a happy whirlwind of friends, kids and @blom_cards packing!

Move

Some days, we breeze through until we fall into bed tired and content. Some days feel like trudging through sticky treacle, every step requiring strength and muscle, and we fall into bed surprised that we made it through.Some people have more treacle days than others, for some, they are few and far between. Some treacle days are caused by circumstances – work stress, family dramas. Some treacle days are caused by black, hovering clouds inside tired minds.

Move.

Just keep moving.

Some days you’ll leap energetically. Some days it’s one step in front of the other. Some days, it’s tiny little baby steps inching and shuffling through the moments. But the important thing is that you move.

HOW?

1 – Identify what is keeping you stuck where you are. Is it fear of failure?

For some, to move is to be at work on time, to stay awake through meetings. For others, to move is just to make the difficult step of getting out of bed and getting dressed. Perhaps it’s perfectionism or depression. Try and identify what’s holding you where you are.

2 – Start small.

It’s not about ‘winning at life’, it’s about showing up. Be kind to yourself. What little, achievable thing can you do to ‘move’ forward today? Maybe it’s a little shake up of the usual routine, or perhaps it’s about making a call you’ve been avoiding, or jumping into the shower instead of living in your pj’s until the afternoon. Maybe you need to see a friend for encouragement or wisdom.

Whatever you do…just take one step (no matter how small) today that moves you forwards.

What helps you when you’re feeling stuck? xx

Dream On

Sleep! I don’t know about you, but sleep has a direct affect on my emotional and mental health. Oh and physical too! Lack of sleep trashes my tolerance for whining kids, stress and….you know, life.
What are your sleep habits like? Are you a tea and iPad before bed kinda person? Or a hot bath and a good book?

We are a sleep deprived culture! I’ve got some tried and tested tips for you! Recently I’ve had a little breakthrough.. I have often had big patches of insomnia, plus issues with lying awake for hours in the night. I’ve had days that begin at 3.30am due to a wired brain. I have dealt with chronic sleep deprivation with Charlie’s reflux (I’m talking 90 minutes a night, not able to string a sentence together, drive, or stop crying kind of sleep deprivation). When I’m hyped up and excited, anxious or stressed, I get this hyperawareness and buzz that stops me winding down and relaxing. I have a stash of sleep aids in my bedside table, from prescription knock-outs to herbal schmerbal stuff.

However, they’ve recently gone untouched…. I’ve had a breakthrough. I’m not counting my chickens but these things have REALLY helped!

1 – No screen time before bed. I’ve switched from reading a book on my iPhone, to reading a paper book. To calm my mind, I have to read before I sleep as it turns my attention from the internal buzz.

2 – Yoga/relaxation breathing. Have a google of the Body Scan. It’s a phased relaxation technique where you tense and release every muscle in turn.

3 – Aromatherapy. I’m a little obsessed with oils at the moment and the Doterra Serenity oil is THE BOMB! It’s like liquid relaxation. I’m going to get a second diffuser for my bedroom so I can diffuse it. I’ve also been using the This Works Sleep Spray, and the Lush ‘Sleepy’ body lotion (all of these were recommended by you when I had a run of shocking nights…thanks so much). 4 – Write it down! Writing these posts for you for GROWTOBER and working so hard on the @blom_cards has also really helped me. Revisiting many of these mental health tips has refreshed them in my mind

Hope this helps

World Mental Health Day

Here’s to being OPEN. For openness leads to FREEDOM. Here’s to the end of secrets and shame. Here’s to hugs and kindly faces. Here’s to the TRUTH that we aren’t alone. Here’s to the END of silencing our own anxiety, depression and neuroses. Here’s to HOPE that THERE IS A WAY through. Here’s to the tentative budding choice to believe that WE ARE WORTH IT. Here’s to tears of RELIEF that comes when we take the risk of talking to the right people. Here’s to the beginning of the END OF STIGMA. Here’s to the start of VALUING our own processes. Here’s to RECONCILIATION. Families and relationships REBUILT. Here’s to RECOVERY. Here’s to the investment in making KINDER choices. Here’s to SELF CARE even if it feels unnatural at first. Here’s to picking up the phone to SUPPORT NETWORKS. Here’s to daring to LEAN ON others. Here’s to learning more about what it feels to be ACCEPTED and the conscious act of letting yourself be LOVED. Here’s to chipping away at the power we’ve given abusers and bullies and CLAIMING BACK our ground. Here’s to TAKING UP SPACE in the world and recognising that we DESERVE it as much as the next person. Here’s to starving the critical voice and FEEDING the one that says I’m INNATELY VALUABLE. Here’s to STANDING ALONGSIDE EACH OTHER, brothers, sisters, just finding our way through. Here’s to STARTING THIS JOURNEY. Here’s to CONTINUING THE CONVERSATION about mental health. I cried writing this. I truly believe that every word is possible. If I can spend my entire life sharing, writing and talking about this message in the hopes some of it may provide people with increased freedom and understanding of their worth, I will.

Gratitude vs Anxiety

say thanksSitting in the car on the way to the airport, my 3 year old Oscar fell asleep on my shoulder. His little hand relaxed in mine. I looked at him, his hand, his face. I felt an overwhelming, aching love for him. A roaring wave of gratitude. What did I do to deserve my children?

Nothing. Having a child is not about ‘deserving’. Just as nobody deserves the lack of a desired child, or the loss of a child. It’s not about entitlement or fate, good or bad behaviour, oh no. It’s about cherishing what we are lucky enough to experience.

Do you know what immediately chased this ferocious wave of gratitude? A barbed stab of anxiety. Fear of the unknown, of all the possibilities ahead. My sister Emily was diagnosed with terminal cancer at the age Oscar is now. An utterance by a glassy-eyed consultant, like a lightening bolt that shook the foundations of our lives and changed us irreversibly, in the most unimaginable ways. A cheeky little toddler with bouncy yellow curls and a life sentence of treatment and drugs. A life sentence to her family of her absence.

In that moment today, this was my fear. Nobody can promise me that my children will outlive me. Nobody can swear on a bible that I won’t have to go through that heartbreak. It was many years ago now, but the echoes of experience are tattooed into my heart. And now, as a parent, it adds a dimension of insight into how it must have been for my parents. It provides fresh opportunity for fear.

Anxiety is when we rush ahead in our minds, whizzing through possibilities and fear their coming to fruition. Anxiety gives us a sense of control. We subconsciously lie to ourselves that if we project mentally through the worst case scenario, if it were to happen it would hurt less. It doesn’t. It saves us from nothing but succeeds only in robbing today of it’s enjoyment and robbing us of the ability to soak up the ‘now’ in gratitude.

This isn’t a post about making the most of every moment, as we know that whilst many moments are enjoyable and easy to be thankful for, many are mundane, tough or painful. This post is about increasing awareness of when anxiety tips the balance of gratitude into fear.

To hold in tension the enjoyment of these precious things we cherish within our lives, and the fear of the unknown is one of the challenges of life itself. I will let the roaring wave of gratitude be followed by the stab of anxiety, but I will try not to court it and to dwell on it, to walk in it and be consumed by it. Oh how two contrasting emotions can sit so closely side by side. That is love.

So (if you’ve made it this far), love and be thankful. I can’t tell you to love without fear, but I can encourage you to acknowledge the fear rather than immerse yourself in it. Notice it but don’t court it. I know this is far easier said than done! How can you change this? Well becoming aware of it is the first step. Awareness enables us to have a conversation with this dynamic, to talk to it.

So go, and love. And know that it’s okay to fear. How can we say it is worth loving if the idea of absence has no impact? But enjoy the love you have now – for that is all we have.

x

 

Stressed? You have two choices..

FullSizeRenderSometimes, when we live life too fast, stepping out of the day-to-day isn’t enough to slow down. Turning off the engine doesn’t force the wheels to an immediate stop. You can stop the sprinting, but the heart continues to race. Sometimes, slowing down has to be more intentional than we could have ever imagined it should be.

The antidote? Introducing slowness into each day somehow. Schedule it if you must. You either slow down purposefully, or life has a way of forcing you to stop. One is intentional and controlled, the other is messier. PS. I’m totally preaching to myself here.

Here is a 3 minute video on this topic for you.

Start where you are

Screen Shot 2017-09-17 at 14.13.26

At the start of Yoga this Saturday, our teacher read a script telling us to ‘start where you are’.

We are where we are. That’s all we are now. We’re not the us of yesterday or the us that we may be tomorrow.

It got me thinking about how often we delay doing things that will benefit us somehow because we tell ourselves that we need to be a in a certain physical or mental headspace first.

We may think, I can’t face the gym until I’ve lost some weight. I will start to try and think better, eat better in January. I’ll change things tomorrow.

You are worth making changes, moving, doing, starting now. Not when you are thinner, happier, more energised. Not when it’s sunnier or when the New Year clock chimes midnight.

To keep putting off making kind and positive changes is to procrastinate our way into self-sabotage where things pass us by. Things get harder and worse, and then we end up making changes out of hitting a messy rock-bottom rather than a motivation for self-care and investment.

To act is an act of self-love. And if self-love feels an alien concept, do it anyway and choose to trust that making changes will actually feed into a new cycle of worth.

How to be the perfect mum

I’ve ventured to You Tube and am doing a 3 minute series on various motherhood and mental health topics. Here’s on on how to be a ‘perfect mum’. Hint hint….it doesn’t exist.

Enjoy x

Self-care is a fine line

FullSizeRenderSelf-care isn’t as simple as taking a long bath or booking in a manicure. It’s about value, self-worth and believing you deserve treating yourself with care and respect. It’s about recognising the difference in what one day may be self-care, can be self-destructive procrastination the next. It can be a fine line.

It’s about how putting the to-do list aside one day can be an act of kindness to yourself, whereas the next day it can be an act of self-sabotage. Self-care can be working out, or it can be giving yourself a day off the gym when you actually want to go. Self-care can be a large glass of wine in the sunshine, or it can be forgoing the alcohol altogether. Self-care can be taking a day of solitude away from the world, or it might be encouraging yourself out the door to interact.

Self-care is about knowing what your needs are (this can be a challenge in itself for many), and how it is wisest to fulfil them. We need to know ourself to know the difference, and we need to love ourselves to act. The good thing is that one feeds into the other. Self-care fuels self-love. Self-love fuels self-care. You just need to take some challenging first steps to start a new cycle. A new way.

Today, I’m wearing bright, red lipstick and I’m not even dressed. Self-care for me at the moment is about not hiding from the world, not apologising for myself. It’s about daring to believe that I can use my passions and skills to encourage others to be more open about mental health, and start to engage in some new behaviours that I believe can change their world as they know it.  It’s about indulging in the simple things that make me smile and give me joy. Today, it’s a rich, red, eye catching pigment on my lips, to remind myself how far I’ve come from the days I used to hide.

Self-care cultivates self-love. The best investment you can ever make. For the love you have for yourself is the gateway of all other loves.

If you want to know any more about these topics, or want to chat them through in the light of your own experience, take a look at my therapy and coaching page here

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